Hell, On Earth…

Earth, “Hell”, I call it.  Most religious organizations think of hell as a burning inferno place where sinners go after they die.  The metaphor of a burning inferno is somewhat accurate in my mind, as you will see in this description of Hell, On Earth in my story.  Earth is the place where humans can feel pain, emotions, experience dis-ease, suffering, joy, pleasure, and love.  (In all the dimensions, Earth is the only place this can be experienced. “Akashic Records” by Lois J. Wetzel) 

Recently I learned that I have a choice (a choice) to come back earth or not.  I have chosen time and time again to come back here to learn lessons, to evolve, to serve humanity, and for humanity to serve me.  I’ve also discovered we come back with soul families, ya know what, I’ve been with the same soul family for the past 20 lifetimes.  The interesting thing is, we have written a series of contracts together, to learn and evolve.  Some lifetimes are full of joy and are easy going, other lifetimes are full of pain and challenges.  My lifetime on earth this time is of the latter.  Hence, “Hell, On Earth”.

Let me share with you, twenty years ago, I didn’t even believe in reincarnation.  Until I read the book, “Many Lives, Many Masters” by Brian Weiss.  I read it in one day and it opened my mind to different possibilities.  Then, I went to a hypnosis session, at the age of 32, I went to be hypnotized to forgive my mother.  While I was in hypnosis, on accident, I traveled to a past life.  Upon returning, I experienced my own birth into this lifetime.  I was a believer from that day forward.  I share this with you, because this knowledge has opened me up to get me to where I am today.

My comment, Earth, “Hell”, I call it, started before I was a teenager.  I would joke around with people as they would comment about where we go when we die, and that sinners go to hell, I would say, “Ha, what are you talking about?  We are in hell now, there is so much suffering in the world, how could you mistake it for anything else!?”  Thinking back on those times, my hell started then.  Bringing it forward to today, I really had no idea what hell was.

Here I am, forty years later, in Portland, Oregon, on a stormy night, watching the Christmas boats with my grandson, waiting for his daddy, and a few other guests--this was the evening my son (the daddy) decided to end his hell on earth and chose death by suicide.  This does not define him, he just decided that Hell was too much for him at that moment.  (I will not be discussing this in detail in this writing, the details will be in my book, “Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda” How to pause that recording in your mind after someone you love chooses suicide.)  What was only a gut feeling years prior to this, turned out to be full knowledge three days after the accident.  We, my son and I, had a soul contract to help others relieve themselves from depression and help minimize death by suicide around the world.  We were on our way to helping others, so much so, we had opened a non-profit called S.U.N. Tribe Resources (suicide understands no one and no one truly understands suicide). 

What I have learned since that night has blown my mind, has triggered me to research every piece of information I can find on soul contracts, reincarnation, etc.  Before this, I was only studying processes of the mind, energy, and metaphysics.  What I know now, is my full purpose on this earth at this time, my Hell.

Now I know, before I came here to earth at this time, I sat with my soul guides and wrote a plan to what I was to learn so that I may evolve in the spirit realm to a higher being.  (“Your Soul’s Gift” The Healing Power of the Life You Planned Before You Were born. By Robert Schwartz) A plan, but not a plan set in stone, we have free will to make other choices and adjust accordingly.  When I agreed to come back to earth at this time, I agreed to experience depression, hardship, and suicide—for myself.  The adjustment happened when I agreed with my son to be his mom, he had chosen the same experience and knew that our family would/could complete his contract in this lifetime.   (“Your Soul’s Plan”, by Robert Schwartz)

My first suicide attempt was at the age of eleven, my dog stopped me that time.  My second was when I was fourteen, I woke up, no one was the wiser, so I didn’t tell anyone.  The list goes on and on, again, I won’t be sharing every detail about that here.  Now, one of us is gone from earth; however, he is still here with me always.  He comes to talk to me on a regular basis, I miss him so much!  I especially miss his, ‘mom’, hugs.  He’s helping me from the spirit realm and pushing me in a loving manner to continue with our agreement.  He regrets the choice he made that night and is so sorry for it.  He says, “I’m so sorry, it shouldn’t have happened this soon. Please forgive me.”  Then he adds, “I can help you more from the spirit realm.”  When he says it happened to soon, he is correct; however, remember we have free will.  He says he can help me more from the spirit realm, because he thought I was crazy and pie-in-the-sky thinker while he was here on earth.  He didn’t understand my “woo-woo” attitude, he tried at times, but would roll his eyes and be like, “Mom!”

Though I have this knowledge and am now certified to do regressions with people and to teach them, the pain of this loss is so enormous, if I don’t keep my mind busy--I want to exercise free will and die too.  This is no longer an option for me, I must finish what we started.  I’ve become a full-time student in learning about past lives, soul contracts, reincarnation, etc.  Do I wish I had done this earlier, YES.  Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda is a continuous soundtrack in my mind that is near impossible to shut off; so, I just hit ‘pause’ and do the best I can each day.  He had the same tape, shoulda…, coulda…, woulda…  Most of us do.  Which causes us to live in Hell.

“The soundtrack of our minds, make us or break us.”  Kimmie Kay

Now what?  I will share with you.  My spirit guides have been loud-n-clear, “Get the F out of your own way and finish this contract!”

Before I entered a contract with my son, I had a soul agreement of my own to become an author, a public speaker to help motivate the masses, to lift them up and out of sadness (I didn’t call it depression then, I didn’t wish to be labeled.)  See, once upon a time I wanted everything to be rainbows, puppy dogs, fluffy kittens, unicorns, etc.  It was a sin, in my mind, to have negative thoughts.  (“See You at the Top”, by Zig Ziglar) No matter how many positive books I read, tapes I listened to, it didn’t stop me from having the negative thoughts, the dirty ugly tape that plays ‘shoulda…coulda…woulda…’ the tornado of negative thoughts would touch down and demobilize me.  For instance, I’ve been writing this book for eighteen years!  Procrastination was my enemy, and many have suffered because of it.  Stubborn, selfish, my sabotaging pattern.  Beating myself up, “My son is gone, and I can’t bring him back.  So much more I could have done for him…so much more.”  My soul contract is being magnified to a degree that is causing suffering I wish upon no one. 

Continuing on, this statement, “You only have one life”, complete bullshit!  We’ve got as many earthly lives as we can handle.  As many times as we want to sign a contract and return here to learn, evolve and serve, we may.  But remember this and remember this GOOD.  If you choose to take your own life before your soul contract is complete, the one YOU agreed to before you arrived here, you will be back here to do it AGAIN.  It may not be as easy the second time around. 

Message to self, “Please don’t squander your lessons away with self-pity and destruction.”  It’s not easy at times, it does get better--I keep reminding myself.  After all, if it’s hard, it’s because I made it that way, this is an agreement I made. 

You may wonder, ‘if’ this is truly hell, then why do souls agree to come here again and again?  Why did I choose to agree with my son to have this experience?  Why did you choose to be here?  If we have the                  choice to be here or not to be here, why would any soul choose hell?  Good questions.  The souls that have chosen to be here, to evolve to a higher light vibration, we are…the strong, the willing, the leaders, the foragers of knowledge and experience, the doers, the believers in all things good.  We, the choosers, are here to complete what we signed up for.  Now, not centuries past or millenniums ahead, but Now.  This journey of discovery, this is what I have signed up for, no matter how painful, it’s my journey. 

In closing, I’d like to share how I get through my hell on earth:  by checking in with my higher self, listening to my spirit guides and angels, exploring past life memories with a chaperon, meditation/going within, finding out who I have soul agreements with, acknowledging who my soul family is, etc. 

Today, I say, “This is all a beautiful dance with the Universe.”  The Universe came to me and asked, “May I have this dance?” I replied, “Why Yes.”  As I dance, I realize, I’ve got to suck up the pain in my Hell, On Earth, because I’m the bitch who signed up for this shit!