Make It Stop


How do I make the self sabotage stop?  I’m so pissed today.  Ok, I was pissed yesterday too.  I’ve got every tool in the universe to help me and I tried at least half of them!  Here are just a few: ingesting an anti-anxiety/stress vitamin to balance my chemistry, listening to healing, energizing, calming, meditative music, went for a walk, swung on a swing, tried talking it out, no relief. 

Thought this would make me feel better, tore down all my goals and threw them on the floor, stomped on them (as if that would squirt out the old goo).  Didn’t work!  Then I said to myself, “What’s the point of goals, I’ll just sabotage them anyway.”

Who has the magic pill?  Who helps the healer get off the crazy ugly merry-go-round?  Who’s here for the cheerleader?  No one!  (Which is a false statement, the truth is, when the healer gets this low, it doesn’t matter what anyone says or tries to do—they reject all the love that is put upon them.  Especially when it’s the healers own advice. At the moment it feels like a slap in the heart.)

I am screaming now!!!  Want to break some dishes!!!  Inferior thought —why am I even here?  I thought I knew, now it is the biggest question on my mind.  No one can help me, I’m alone and full of shame, feeling like a loser and a fraud, talking about the same dreams for 32 years with my family and my children.  The people I love, letting them down over and over and over.  Worse, letting myself down over and over and over again!  Building myself up, attending the next motivational class, just to sabotage myself again.  Life is a series of failures for me….what’s the point?



The real question, “How do I talk to myself without punishing myself for the guilt and shame for not living my dream?” How, the fuck, am I, supposed to help others pursue their dreams if I’m not getting my own?  Who am I anyway?  Oh, yes, the girl that feels like ‘Fraud’ is her middle name.  How the hell do I move forward in pursuit of my dreams while I’m using ALL the tools I have?!  WTF, I’m trying to help MYSELF…TODAY, it’s not working.

I repeat, if I can't help myself, than I can't help others. Besides, who wants to read a book or hear from someone who is a chronic failure. Whose whole life is filled with stories of walking away, even running from success?  At the age of 51 and I'm talking about the same dreams, the same life purpose, I've been talking about since I was 17. How am I to be the gem in the pile that sparkles?

Time lapse over a week…

I am so grateful and thankful for, the people in my life who listen to me and then give me my own advice back.  Yes, that is the best!  Because, I am a human being, with real emotions that SNAPS sometimes and when you read below what I’ve been up to lately, it might make sense.

Lately, I’ve been finishing up an extended tax date for 2016 (one of the worst years of my life and having to re-live every transaction), helping folks with regarding their new businesses by getting information for them, working with companies who can’t meet deadlines (and they have no compassion towards the revenue lost by their client), spending months building client relationships and no real money coming in, writing blogs and my book, traveling more than I ever have….I’ve been pulling my hair out. Staying upbeat has been a challenge, and I lost it!

It’s taken me over a week to edit this blog and pull my big girl panties back on and be inspiring to myself and others. 

I truly have a team behind me and I give thanks for all of you: Karissa (daughter), Cory and Brett (sons), Neal (partner), Liam and Jenny (grandson and his mommy), Pamela (assistant), and my sisters.  Thank you all for being here for me during this desperate time in my call for help. Thank you!  

Here’s how the healer helps themself.

1)    Whatever you are going through, Write It Down!

2)    Give it a few days, then, go back and read what you wrote (great advice from, Pamela, ty).
a.    After you have read it. Let It Go! (tear it apart, burn it, flush it) Let It Go!

3)    Thank the ones you love for being there for you when it wasn’t easy to even be near you.

4)    Give a gift to the ones who gave you your own advice back.

5)    If you want to Blog your experience for others to grow from--do it.

6)    Lastly, to better heal yourself and possibly eliminate future breakdowns.
a.      Do what my hypnotherapist, Trisha, at Focus with Hypnotherapy, suggested. Get a brand new Journal book, at the end of every day, write down what made you smile, giggle, sparkle, feel like “YES”!  Anything that gave you that, “damned that felt good”, feeling. (Psst…it’s working!)


The goals have been resurrected and are among the striving once again!

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